Down and out

So I will admit this post might be depressing and pathetic and horrible. I pride myself on almost always being an up beat fun person to be around. Yeah not so much the last oh 5 weeks. This pregnancy is killing me. I know I have other factors in my life that are NOT helping, but honestly I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I hate my job and don't get along w/ any of my co workers, so I don't want to go to work. At all. Ever. I don't have my own house. My own space. I have about 200 sq ft to call my own and even it is laden w/ other people's furniture. I can't ever be alone or go to the "other" living spaces without questions and talking. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I don't want to talk or answer questions. Even w/ Steve. He knows when to leave me alone he has seen the ugly side of me. Ha. Be afraid.
This sickness stage, I am so done w/ it. How much longer? I wish somebody would just give me a date or week when it will be done. If it is going to last all 40 weeks so be it then I can try a special diet, medication (although right now I am refusing. I can barely take Tylenol), or whatever the heck my Dr says to do. I can't even drink water w/out gagging. Now I am in this most glorious stage of throwing up every morning while getting ready for work. I actually came home Monday from work at 12 and called in sick yesterday. This is the first time in 10 1/2 months at this job I have called in. I just don't do it folks. I am strong. I come to work no matter what. But this Baby is kicking my butt. What if something is wrong? I am barely eating and when I do it's mainly junk. Popsicles, cookies, ice cream, Gatorade, nothing healthy or normal. I couldn't even eat toast yesterday w/out almost throwing it up. I am so scared. Is the Baby getting enough nutrients? I know I have PLENTY of fat to live off for months, but is the Baby living off that? I have no idea! I know for sure I am losing weight. I got weighed Monday morning for this stupid health thing for our insurance at work and her scale said I weighed 10 lbs less then when I got weighed at my Dr when I first found out I was prego. I am excited about this, like I said I have weight to lose, but not at the sacrifice of my babies health. I was eating fairly well and normally until this weekend. Sunday I was super duper lazy, no shower, didn't change out of my PJ's nothing. I barely moved. Then Monday I threw up twice. So so horrible. I can't handle that. And now I can't eat anything. At all. Things I would eat before and crave I don't anymore. It's soooooo hard. I don't know what to do! It's so hard not to get depressed and down about it. I can't control it and I don't LIKE that. Becky likes to have control. :( I know it's bad. I am praying so so hard so much. Asking God to heal me and make my stomach better. I know if anybody can it's only him. I called my Dr office this morning b/c I am getting worried. I haven't heard back I am assuming they are swamped, but tomorrow I have my 12 week apt and we're supposed to hear the heartbeat. PLEASE if you read this be praying for a strong and healthy heartbeat.
In the back of my mind I am so scared this pregnancy still isn't going to be viable. I won't let anybody buy anything for this baby. We bought a rocking chair w/ a ottoman cuz it was SUCH an amazing deal ($50 for both! pretty much brand new. I really love it. Just needs to be recovered but my Mom can do that cinch), but that is something we can use wither we have a baby or not. But no clothes, crib, stroller, car seat, pack 'n play NOTHING. It scares me. I will not buy anything until after our 20 week apt. And now that I am sick all the time what does that mean? It's seriously horrible and a blessing to have my friend Google. I Google any and every symptom I have. It's scary to read some of the things it comes up w/. So I try not to read anymore and I will just bug the living crap out of my dr. Ha. He'll love me.
So a somewhat funny story from this weekend. OK for last like 4 years I have gone to the biggest Pumpkin Patch I have ever seen. (aside from the little people one on that TLC show. SCARY) Honestly people even though it costs a small fortune to get in you MUST go. We get discount tickets from the bank I work at so it's half price plus we get coupons off for food and pumpkins so it's worth it. But kids LOVE this place. It's so amazing. These people are millionaires from being open 1 month a year. Crazy. Anywho sorry for going on and on anyways, every year I go w/ my friends Sandi and Dawn and their kids. It's fun and I get girl chat and to hang out and it's fun. Well, EVERY year I get a caramel apple rolled in sprinkles. Now my hubby and pretty much everybody that knows me knows I love me a caramel apple. Like seriously it's bad. We used to have these in Omaha and for some unknown reason they took them all away from me. Seriously?? OMG I almost died the day I found out. So I looked forward to my apple from the P.P. even more this year. I was all excited and got home and showed Steve my one and only purchase. I stuck it on the computer desk in our bedroom until I was ready to eat it. He was excited to and made fun of me. I went out to dinner w/ one of my besties and came home and my apple had disappeared. After a slight heart attack I looked in the kitchen and there it was in all it's glory sitting in the cupboard. Now I know my hubby and I know how much he hates clutter and junk so I figured he took it downstairs since that is where the knives are (duh kitchen) and was tired of looking at it. Fast forward to Sunday afternoon; fat preggo lady takes a 2 hour nap and wakes up craving her said apple. I go curl up on my Hubby's lap and asked him to come downstairs and help me eat a little bit of it. (read; like maybe 1 slice) He tells me he already ate it all and it was gone. He was laughing so I didn't believe him. He likes to joke and be naughty about stuff so I didn't believe him. He tells me he did eat it all and even shared some with his Mother. Oh my I think smoke came out my ears. It took me about 10 minutes to believe him and then the water works turned on. Seriously people this was a full fledged hissy hormonal fit. Snot all over my face crying everything. I was so tired. tired of being sick and tired. tired of our living situation. Tired of my crappy job. tired of laying around doing nothing. And now my one precious apple is GONE? Oh my I lost it. He felt so bad the poor boy almost cried himself. Now the thing is there is NO where in Omaha to get a good apple. I will drive the 45 minutes Lincoln to Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory to get me a caramel apple. Can you say psycho? I know it's just a thing and I shouldn't get so bent out of shape but few things in life excite me and disappoint me like food does. If I get my mind wrapped around eating something then you better not get in my way. God is working on me in this area but I am still upset over it. ha. So pathetic! Luckily for my most amazing Hubby that I love w/ all my heart I am going to the Husker game in 2 weeks and will get my apple and maybe even some daVinci's! Oh be still my heart! :)
OK I am done complaining I just have to get all my feelings down before I forget them. Now years later I can look back and remember how crappy the first trimester of my pregnancy was and maybe it will stop me from wanting 7 children! haha. Love to you all and honestly I have no idea if this makes any sense at all. Sorry for rambling!


P.S. Tomorrow like I said is 12 weeks expect a update tomorrow afternoon my apt is at 12:15 CST