I am debating weither or not to post this. I probably won't at least for awhile. I honestly don't know who reads it and who doesn't because NOBODY leaves me comments (ha), and I don't know what I want certian people reading and such. Plus this is going to be extreamly raw, open, and hoenst. I am totally sharing my heart and a lot of personal things, just not sure if I am ready to share them with the blog world yet.
I am scared. To death. To have this Baby. S C A R E D. Out of my mind. I have tried to shrug this off and hold it in and not appear to be scared. But I am.
I know this isn't the way God works, God is a loving God. He has a plan for us, we are in his books and he knows what is going to happen before it does. But I am also scared of God. I wish I had scripture to back this up, but I know somewhere in the Bible it commands us to be afraid of his rod and rath. I know one day I will be judged in front of his throne and I am scared to death of that day as well. I have made choices in my life that are horrible. I have not lived to the standards my parents set for me, and certinally not the way God calls us to live. I know that when I took Jesus into my heart when I was 7 or whatever age I was, that I was to start living as Jesus did on the Earth. I need to spread his word and glory to others and I do not do that at all times. I have made poor choices. When I was 16 I got my first boyfriend. Completely how of selfishness. He was cathlotic (not saying that is bad he just believed a LOT of different things then I did and we just chose to ignore it and not discuss our differances), and we did a lot of foolish stupid teenager things we shouldn't have. Nothing illegal (I NEVER have) but we broke a lot of rules and did things that Christ followers should not have done.
With my next boyfriend, we won't even go there. That was my totally bad rebillious stage in life. It lasted far to long. The Devil got a hold of me and I let him in and have his way with me. I honestly truely believe that. God still had some hold of me, and thank goodness he did and was able to get me out and get me back.
Then my Steve came along. FINALLY somebody who was on the totally same page and level as me with God. We believed the same, prayed the same, felt the same about church and the word and it was a breath of fresh air. Then we made a huge personal choice for our lives and some people had a very hard time with this. While I feel at peace about it, and that God was OK about it it's hard when I have people telling me things in both ears and they are judging me and telling me what God thinks and feels. I even had someone close to me tell me that if I make these decisions and go through with them that God will get me. He will physically do something to jar me for making these decisions. They went on to list examples, I could get cancer, get in a bad car accident, somebody close to me will die, my child will have deformaties or something bad will happen, it was horrible and made me sick for months.
I am being dead on serious ya'll, this has stuck with me over the years. Is God going to punish me for the choices I have made in my past and things I have done?? I know others and read a lot of blogs of beautiful pure people that have much cleaner hearts then me (only in my opinion. But if these people knew the things I have done they would be in shock) and have lost babies, lost husbands/wives, had horrible horrible tragadities in their lives and nothing has happened to me. WHY? Is he waiting?? I can't live my life waiting on pins and needles for something to happen and God to strike down on me. And I am trying my hardest not to. But when somebody has put that in your head and you know it's partly true it's scary. I know God has a plan for me and my life and my babies life and those around me, and I know if something were to happen it most likely would happen weither or not I have made these choices. I am just scared that I will lose my focus of him and he will do something to get it back off myself and my life and onto him. Is this making any sense? I feel like I am allllllll over the place with this. It's just been weighing on my heart since I found out I was pregnant. I know if the baby has a defect, is sick, passes away, I know it's God plan and I will gladly hand her over to him but it will kill me inside. He knows how bad I would hurt and he knows I could cry to him and be upset and be dying inside. But I would still love him. He is still my God a loving God and he wouldn't do something like that to me if he wasn't trying to teach me and show me something. I just need to open my eyes and my heart to him and everything will be fine. I will always give him all the glory, praise and honor no matter what he chooses for our family. I am just anxious and want it to be over and for her to be here and come home with us. I have prayed for her for so long and prayed so many different prayers. I pray for a quick, easy and mainly pain free delivery. I pray she will be perfect, perfect size, weight, height, breathing, everything. I pray she will come home with us right away and not have to be kept in the nicu or anything. I pray we will get feeding down and everything goes smoothly in that area. I pray she will be a good calm baby and not cry and be fussy and un-happy. I pray that she will be a good sleeper and not be awake and crying and keeping me up stressing me out all the time. I pray she will know how much she is wanted by her Mommy and Daddy, and how much we will love her forever and ever. I pray that we will bring her up to be a child of God and know how much he loves her and for her to be close with him and have a good relationship. I pray that she makes better decisions then her Momma and doesn't get caught up with bad people and make bad decisions and get hurt.
A lot of spacific things I know, but I know God needs to hear that these are things I want and need and he will answer them all if he sees fit. I trust in him and his provision for my life and his plans. So far I have been so incredibly blessed, I have an amazing husband that I truely believe God sent directly to me to save me. An awesome group of friends who are a great support to me and I know love me and are praying over this baby and pregnancy just as much as I am. Our families. Where do I even start? First of all they are all for the most part healthy. We have managed not to lose anybody in a long time, stay healthy, and be there for eachother when we are needed most. They are amazing and supportive and we love them to death! I have a great job (that I hate but I diguress.......), a car that runs in perfect condition, a brand spankin new house full of beautiful furniture and food and keeps us warm and cool, a true blessing! See how blessed I am?!?! And trust me I know it to. I start out every prayer to God thanking him for my blessinga and how richly he has blessed our lives and how grateful I am to him!
OK sorry I will be done now. I may post this in a couple months, years, weeks who knows! I just have to get it off my chest and I feel MUCH better now :) Loves to you all!
2 comments:
Oh dear Becky. I've never met you- but I feel I know you! Sweetheart- what you are feeling is normal- but that doesn't make it right. Satan loves to feast on our fears, our worries. He tricks us into thinking our worries our ok. But scripture clearly tells us not to worry, not to fear, etc. If I could offer advice (if you are sick of advice, just don't read anymore) 1)Find scripture that specifically speaks to your concerns. I went as far as printing them off and hanging them in my delievery room to help me get through it. As I battled the depression, I think hung them all over the house, especially in the nursery. The sword of truth battles all evil. 2) Avoid reading the blogs with the tragedies you mentioned. I know they are addicting and great to read- but it opens your mind to wander into the "what if" category. Just don't go there. Stop reading them, at least for now.
You have sought forgivness, God now sees you as he does Christ! He sees you pure. He won't give you a "bad" thing because of your sins- because those sins are now gone! Are there sometimes unknown consequences to our actions? Yes. But our God loves us too much to hold our sins out as blackmail.
I hope that helps. I know we don't know each other very well, but feel free to email me or call me anytime if you need to talk to fresh ears.
Jen
Oh Beck!
I seriously have tears in my eyes right now after reading your post.
Girl, I have walked down some pretty dark roads in my time. I thank God for sending Ande into my life to encourage me to seek the Lord and to turn away from my sin. Not to say that I'm perfect now or anything (far from it), but I know that God has forgiven me for anything and everything I did when I was younger. He has done the same for you.
Now, that is not to say that He's going to say to us when we stand before him one day, "Hey, you're great" and be done with us. I firmly believe that He will deal with each of us according to our sin - we're forgiven, but that doesn't mean He won't hold us accountable. However, being held accountable in Heaven seems to be a MUCH better option than being held captive in Hell.
As for what that person said about God "getting you" for the things you've done...if that were the case, I can't even imagine what kinds of things would be going on in SO many Christian's lives.
Sure, if you make wrong choices, there will be consequences. Sometimes they are physical (think unwanted pregnancies, STD's, cancer (from smoking), even weight issues (the Bible tells us that the body is a temple and we are not to misuse it, ie overeating/not exercising). There can be emotional consequences (guilt,fear, anger). It can be and often is) a combination of both.
That being said, not all things that happen to us are directly related to a sin. Sometimes God allows things to happen so that He can take care of us. So that we can learn to lean on Him.
Think about this - when Hailey gets bigger and wants to ride her bike, are you going to prevent her from doing it because she might fall and scrape her knee? Probably not, because riding a bike is not a sinful thing, it's not a bad thing, and it's something that is good for her. If Hailey falls off of her bike and gets hurt, would you turn away from her? Absolutely not! You would wrap your arms around her and comfort her. Our Heavenly Father does just that. When we're hurt or scared or whatever, He is there to comfort us.
He's not sitting in Heaven saying, "Oh, Becky did (fill in the blank), so now I'm going to (fill in the blank). He's not waiting for us to screw up so He can slam the hammer down on us!
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way - I would encourage you in the same way Jen did - find scripture that directly addresses what you are feeling. If you find that you can't stop yourself from feeling afraid, you might even want to talk to your pastor or even a counselor.
There is no reason to fear, my friend. You have been washed clean by the blood of the Lamb, and your sin (past, present, and future) is forgiven.
I'll be praying for you Beck!! If you ever want to vent, pray, cry, talk, whatever - you let me know!
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