Truth..........

FYI *** this will be graphic. If your shy, embarrass easily, don't have children you might not want to read. Lots of TMI's included***


So I opened Google to go to my blog and write this about 8 times before actually going through with it, for a couple of reasons. 1) This will be embarrassing for all parties (myself and readers) but I must write these things down for I am already forgetting them and I need and want to remember them. 2) There are people who I didn't want to read such intimate details of my being, still don't want them to but what can you do. Maybe this will help some poor girl who googles something and finds me for answers. Welcome!! ha 3) Being away from my blog for so long sucks. I wasn't one of those good Mommy's like the ones I read who write milestones down monthly and do a cute monthly post for their Babies (but in my defense Hailey's baby book is completely current as of last Thursday) , and I feel like I need to blog to catch up on the last 18 months of my life. But alas I can not so I'll just start somewhere. So this will be long and windy and crazy all over the place but here we go.

The TRUTH about having a child and surviving........

I wish before I had my child somebody checked out my boobs before hand and told me breast feeding would be IMPOSSIBLE. I have inverted nipples. Making it almost impossible to b/f. After working with one of the lactation cons. at the hospital for 2 days, one finally gave me one of these and I was FINALLY able to feed my child. But it was horrible. I couldn't feed her in discreet because I was fumbling with a piece of plastic and it would leak and come off and it was just a mess. I used it with every.single.feeding (every 1 1/2 hours remember?) for 6 months. I will NEVER forget one night in the first week of being home it took me from about 8 until 11:30 to get Hailey so sleep and to stop screaming at the top of her lungs and I laid her down and made sure I had my shield handy for our next night feeding and I couldn't find it. I was hysterical. I woke Steve up and made him come help me find it (with a flash light so we didn't wake up psycho Baby). I think it ended up being next to Hay in the pack-n-play but I was dying. I could NOT feed my Baby without this thing and if I lost it then what?? I went to Target the next day and bought 2 more. Ha. After 6 months I finally gave up and pumped exclusively, it was a hard decision but we were going to b/f class with the L/C from the hospital and she agreed it was probably best also so I felt better. People have told me that they know so many people who have so many feeding problems with the first Baby and never use the shield with the 2nd. Sure hope I would be one of those people..................

Internal Hemorrhoids S U C K. After pushing for over 2 1/2 hours I should have known I wouldn't get away with 0 hemorrhoids. I was in pain every single time I had to go #2 for like 11 months. Honestly I don't know or remember how long it was. My body was SOOOO messed up for so long. For all I know it could still be not "normal" and hurt but I am just so used to it and this is my "new normal". Ugh. Horrible. I used every kind of treatment out there and nothing worked. My Dr basically said since they are internal and not external there was nothing anybody could do and they would just heal on their own and go away. Blah. I am pretty much better and healed I think, but man going through that again scares the bejewels out of me.

So since my child's head was stuck on my tail bone for 2 hours of pushing and the traumatic way she finally came out I had a fairly large tear that required stitches. After the initial horrible part of actually getting the stitches everything was fine. For about 4 months. Then I remember going to the restroom and it burning sooooo horribly bad down there from the urine. I finally found a way to position myself when going that it wouldn't hit it and hurt. Yes I am stupid and didn't think anything was THAT wrong it would just go away on it's own right?? RIGHT?? My 2nd sign was using my scented suave body wash irritated the crap out of it to. OHMYGOSH did it burn in the shower to wash my "area". So finally one day I listened to my ever wise Husband and called my OB for a check up to see how everything was down there. SO NOT what I wanted to do. So he takes a look and told me that my scar tissue from my tear decided to RE-OPEN!! People!!!! Seriously?? I can't make this stuff up. How much can 1 person go through?? Holy jeesh! So my lovely Dr decides to cauterize it. So yeah he grabs like a 3 foot (OK maybe it was like 4-5 inches long) match looking thing and lights it on fire and puts it DOWN THERE on me. I almost died. Worst pain of my life. I was supposed to stop and pick up dinner for us right after my appointment, but I was in so much pain sitting to drive home I called Hubby in tears and to figure out plan B for dinner. I sat on the Boppy pillow for like 2 days after that. Ha. It healed up fine and I haven't had a problem with it since. But jeepers did that KILL. It was bad. Of course it probably wouldn't have been half that bad had I had it taken care of earlier. I don't know how long I let it go on for, maybe 2 months?? I am so stupid I never want to go to the DR or admit something is wrong with me, I just think if I ignore it it will go away. Smart huh?

Before child I was a social butterfly. At least 2 times a week (even after we were married) I would go out with a girlfriend(s) and do dinner, shopping, movies, pedicures, it was heaven. I mourned those dates after Hailey and still do sometimes. I had so many "bestfriends" (I use the term to loosely probably), we were always together. One friend in particular comes to mind. We were super close, hung out all the time. After Hailey was born I saw her when Hailey was 5 days old, then Hailey's 1st Birthday and haven't seen her since. 6 months it's been since I got to see her. :( I miss her! I understand she has a super busy career, a house, kitty, Husband, family, etc but it still sucks that I don't fit into that anymore. I don't blame her AT ALL I was probably the same way before Hailey, thinking people with kids are to busy and you don't want to bug them and take them away from their family to hang out and stuff, but no PLEASE call your friends, HANG out! Save them! Ha. I guess it's just hard. I have a hard time reaching out all the time and getting turned down or no answer. It sucks. I miss my friendships and those fun times...........

If this makes me a bad person/parent do NOT comment and let me know. I already have my thoughts and feelings of guilt, but it is what it is and I am being honest and putting myself out there so that means I'll dump everything out in this blog. Sometimes (a LOT especially right after Hailey was born) I would cry and sit and miss my old life before Hailey (BH). Me and Hubby had the best marriage and life BH. We had this cute little house, I had loads of time with girlfriends, we have 2 incomes so extra $ to go shopping with, see movies, and spend on stupid things (oh if I only knew then what I know now I would have been SO much better about saving!). We never traveled much but we would go to Kansas City for the weekends and just do fun things! I haven't been away from Hailey for 1 night of her entire 18 1/2 months. We can't just sit down and watch a movie/tv show with out being interrupted. We were only married for 11 months when I found out I was pregnant. We finally both admitted last weekend that we wish we had waited until now to have gotten pregnant. 3 years together alone sounds sooo amazing. Like I said I feel horrible and guilty saying this. All I EVER wanted in my life was a baby and to be pregnant and be a SAHM. Seriously, since I was like 4. And then I had that and I didn't want it! What?!?! I remember when we were living at Steve's parents (which is probably part of the problem and where it started) I would drive by our old house we had just sold and cry and sob. I mourned for those fun carefree times we had! I would never wish my daughter away. I love her more then life itself. I would die for her. I guess I just wish I had enjoyed those times more, cherished them more, taken more vacations and pictures, and done things later in life, but it is what it is and I deal with the hand I was dealt. It's just so hard. You want to just be lovey dovey with your spouse instead of being dirty from throw up and poop, and not wash dishes and just honestly be DEAD tired to the world and want to sleep. But such is life as a parent! We knew going in life would change. But I think I thought she would fit more into OUR life instead of us having to do a COMPLETE 180 and fitting into HER life. We are readjusting and just now are in an amazing place! We always joke and say that if babies were born at like 10 months we would have 6 kids!

Sooooooooo all of this to say...........life has been hard. Not at ALL what I expected. And I just now fully and totally happy and healthy so I have BABY FEVER. lol. Am I crazy? Stupid?? Naive?? This is why God blocks things from our memory. I thought I wouldn't survive those first couple sleepless nights with Hay nursing every 2 hours. Hours upon hours of nursing. Feeling so secluded and trapped in the house. But I did it! I survived! We go to MOPS now, we love to run errands and just drive around.We shop several times a week and have fun play dates. We went to the Zoo every week this summer and it was a awesome summer! Trick or treating last night was probably hands down the funnest thing I have done as a mother with my child. She LOVED it and had so much joy. It made my heart so happy! So I survived, and I can survive again with 2 kids, right?? I don't remember the pain of labor or pushing her out, I don't remember the frustration of breastfeeding, it was all a blur. We'll see what happens and what God has in store for our little family. But Hailey needs a sibling I know that for sure! :)