Um yeah

Oh my so my last post got posted. It was an accident (God bless you for reading it I didn't even spell check the thing and I know it was all over the place!). You girls are amazing. It took everything I had in me not to sit at my desk and cry. You guys get me and know what I am feeling even though we're thousands of miles apart! Honestly I am fine. I don't want you all to think I sit at home and cry and stew and think something is going to happen. I am totally wicked excited and thrilled about this Baby! I won't let us live in a bubble and be "afraid" of God or anything else. I know he is a loving FORGIVING God and I thank him everyday for that! I just had a mumbled jumbled mess in my head and in my heart and I needed to get it down and get it out. I actually feel relieved and better since putting it down. I am free of all those feelings :) Even though I am scared to death of some people reading it and judging me I am human and I am scared and I let myself be vulnerable so whatever! So anyways thanks again to all my girls I love you guys you’re the best!!! I will probably defiantly need you in the first couple weeks after Hailey is here and I am a hormonal crying mess that is sleep deprived! Ha :) Yet I am so excited and thrilled to have those problems!!!

My parents came over last night and we got some more stuff finished up in Bean's room. Curtains got hung, and we sanded the changing table I bought off craigslist (LOVE it), it had a HORRIBLE paint job so that is my project this weekend is to give it a couple of coats of white paint! Woohoo!
My shower is tomorrow and I am soooooooo excited. I will feel SO much better after being able to wash clothes and blankets and get more things organized and ready! I have Monday off to go shop and buy necessities and do fun things like put her car seat base in my car and stuff! I am so weird the things I am excited about............I might even drive the Hubby nuts and get her swing up in the living room so he can stare at it for the next 4 weeks. Hehe.

So other then that nothing else exciting is going on with us. Steve pulled like 3 muscles in his back :( So my poor Baby missed some time this week at work, but did get a deep tissue message which seemed to help! Along with his AMAZING wifey who messages and helps him ice a hundred times a day and night. Haha. Hopefully he will be all better after this weekend! I really rely on him to help me since I can't bend down or do hardly anything for myself anymore, so it's been a trying week and we're trying not to let each other do to much which is interesting because we end up yelling at each other for getting up and not asking for help and then just sitting there laughing about it :)

I have D R A M A at my work. I am just trying to make it through these next 3 1/2-4 weeks. Blah! Any day after next Thursday (37 weeks) she wants to arrive I will be soooooooo happy! I have my first weekly dr apt on Monday and I get checked. Please pray for some movement in that area, I would love to be like 2 cm dilated! Haha. I highly doubt it but any progress is progress and I'll take it! I really don't want to go past my due date if possible!
OK I'm out of here. I'll make sure to update Tuesday or Wednesday next week w/ shower pictures and dr apt results. Love you all and have a blessed weekend! <3

Truth hurts

I am debating weither or not to post this. I probably won't at least for awhile. I honestly don't know who reads it and who doesn't because NOBODY leaves me comments (ha), and I don't know what I want certian people reading and such. Plus this is going to be extreamly raw, open, and hoenst. I am totally sharing my heart and a lot of personal things, just not sure if I am ready to share them with the blog world yet.

I am scared. To death. To have this Baby. S C A R E D. Out of my mind. I have tried to shrug this off and hold it in and not appear to be scared. But I am.
I know this isn't the way God works, God is a loving God. He has a plan for us, we are in his books and he knows what is going to happen before it does. But I am also scared of God. I wish I had scripture to back this up, but I know somewhere in the Bible it commands us to be afraid of his rod and rath. I know one day I will be judged in front of his throne and I am scared to death of that day as well. I have made choices in my life that are horrible. I have not lived to the standards my parents set for me, and certinally not the way God calls us to live. I know that when I took Jesus into my heart when I was 7 or whatever age I was, that I was to start living as Jesus did on the Earth. I need to spread his word and glory to others and I do not do that at all times. I have made poor choices. When I was 16 I got my first boyfriend. Completely how of selfishness. He was cathlotic (not saying that is bad he just believed a LOT of different things then I did and we just chose to ignore it and not discuss our differances), and we did a lot of foolish stupid teenager things we shouldn't have. Nothing illegal (I NEVER have) but we broke a lot of rules and did things that Christ followers should not have done.
With my next boyfriend, we won't even go there. That was my totally bad rebillious stage in life. It lasted far to long. The Devil got a hold of me and I let him in and have his way with me. I honestly truely believe that. God still had some hold of me, and thank goodness he did and was able to get me out and get me back.
Then my Steve came along. FINALLY somebody who was on the totally same page and level as me with God. We believed the same, prayed the same, felt the same about church and the word and it was a breath of fresh air. Then we made a huge personal choice for our lives and some people had a very hard time with this. While I feel at peace about it, and that God was OK about it it's hard when I have people telling me things in both ears and they are judging me and telling me what God thinks and feels. I even had someone close to me tell me that if I make these decisions and go through with them that God will get me. He will physically do something to jar me for making these decisions. They went on to list examples, I could get cancer, get in a bad car accident, somebody close to me will die, my child will have deformaties or something bad will happen, it was horrible and made me sick for months.
I am being dead on serious ya'll, this has stuck with me over the years. Is God going to punish me for the choices I have made in my past and things I have done?? I know others and read a lot of blogs of beautiful pure people that have much cleaner hearts then me (only in my opinion. But if these people knew the things I have done they would be in shock) and have lost babies, lost husbands/wives, had horrible horrible tragadities in their lives and nothing has happened to me. WHY? Is he waiting?? I can't live my life waiting on pins and needles for something to happen and God to strike down on me. And I am trying my hardest not to. But when somebody has put that in your head and you know it's partly true it's scary. I know God has a plan for me and my life and my babies life and those around me, and I know if something were to happen it most likely would happen weither or not I have made these choices. I am just scared that I will lose my focus of him and he will do something to get it back off myself and my life and onto him. Is this making any sense? I feel like I am allllllll over the place with this. It's just been weighing on my heart since I found out I was pregnant. I know if the baby has a defect, is sick, passes away, I know it's God plan and I will gladly hand her over to him but it will kill me inside. He knows how bad I would hurt and he knows I could cry to him and be upset and be dying inside. But I would still love him. He is still my God a loving God and he wouldn't do something like that to me if he wasn't trying to teach me and show me something. I just need to open my eyes and my heart to him and everything will be fine. I will always give him all the glory, praise and honor no matter what he chooses for our family. I am just anxious and want it to be over and for her to be here and come home with us. I have prayed for her for so long and prayed so many different prayers. I pray for a quick, easy and mainly pain free delivery. I pray she will be perfect, perfect size, weight, height, breathing, everything. I pray she will come home with us right away and not have to be kept in the nicu or anything. I pray we will get feeding down and everything goes smoothly in that area. I pray she will be a good calm baby and not cry and be fussy and un-happy. I pray that she will be a good sleeper and not be awake and crying and keeping me up stressing me out all the time. I pray she will know how much she is wanted by her Mommy and Daddy, and how much we will love her forever and ever. I pray that we will bring her up to be a child of God and know how much he loves her and for her to be close with him and have a good relationship. I pray that she makes better decisions then her Momma and doesn't get caught up with bad people and make bad decisions and get hurt.
A lot of spacific things I know, but I know God needs to hear that these are things I want and need and he will answer them all if he sees fit. I trust in him and his provision for my life and his plans. So far I have been so incredibly blessed, I have an amazing husband that I truely believe God sent directly to me to save me. An awesome group of friends who are a great support to me and I know love me and are praying over this baby and pregnancy just as much as I am. Our families. Where do I even start? First of all they are all for the most part healthy. We have managed not to lose anybody in a long time, stay healthy, and be there for eachother when we are needed most. They are amazing and supportive and we love them to death! I have a great job (that I hate but I diguress.......), a car that runs in perfect condition, a brand spankin new house full of beautiful furniture and food and keeps us warm and cool, a true blessing! See how blessed I am?!?! And trust me I know it to. I start out every prayer to God thanking him for my blessinga and how richly he has blessed our lives and how grateful I am to him!
OK sorry I will be done now. I may post this in a couple months, years, weeks who knows! I just have to get it off my chest and I feel MUCH better now :) Loves to you all!

To my little one......

Dear Bean,
I know your not even born yet, you don't have a name, and I haven't seen your face but I have been thinking the last couple days about how much I want to talk to you. I can't talk to you in my womb yet because you won't be able to hear me for another 2 weeks. I kinda feel bad for you when you can. I'm sorry little Bean Momma likes to talk and is very loud and never shuts up. My singing is horrible, and I tend to use far to many bad words :( I am working on this. Regardless I hope my voice will calm and sooth you and you will love me no matter what my flaws. I think if your Daddy can then you will be able to also ;)
I love you already more then words can say. You have been growing inside of me for almost 17 weeks now. My belly is starting to get hard and fat and I know it's because your growing and getting bigger and that makes me the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I can't imagine you not coming and not being here already. What did me and Daddy ever talk about before?? What consumed my thoughts all day (and night when I am awake!)?? I know you have made me have such a closer better bond w/ my God. I talk to him all the time. I can see him watching over us and that he is holding my belly and you in his hands. That makes me much less scared of our future. Even if something happens and he takes you to your eternal home I know he will hold you and so will your G. Grandparents who are waiting up there for us.
In just 3 short weeks we will FINALLY get to see your face. FINALLY get to find out if you are a boy or a girl, and find out if your growing well and everything is fine. I wish I was one of the normal typical first time pregnant girls that is naive and knows nothing but I read far to much. I pray vastly every day and night for you to be safe and that I am doing everything right. I take my vitamin every single morning, I try to eat right but am failing miserably at that, and get lots of rest and not lift heavy things. Your Daddy loves you more then he will admit, he doesn't want to get to attached until your here and he can hold you, but he is so in love w/ you and the thought of you being here and being our child. He cooks for me, cleans, does the laundry, and picks up all the heavy things he won't let me lift even though it hurts his back and knees. You have made us a family little Bean and we love you more then words can say.
Please be safe and continue to grow and I promise not to play any Michael Bolton music into my belly, that will wait until you are here my love ;) I love you so much
Your Mommy

Real quick......

Just wanted to put out a request just in case somebody actually does read this! My Grandma just came down with shingles. She just got over a very very bad form of leukemia last year (why she was unable to attend our wedding) so this is not good. I'm pretty sure it's due to a lot of family stress going on w/ some family she lives close to but that is only my speculation. So please please pray for my Grandma she is such a portrait of God's love and grace and I really don't want it to be her time to go be w/ him yet! I need her here a little longer! Thanks so much everybody!

Cuts like a knife........

*Disclaimer this will be a "heavy" post, which I haven't branched out and done yet so be fore warned!

So I know I am going out a limb and freaking out over nothing. Bare with me. I am a Drama Queen, love to do my "what if's" about a million times a day (ask my hubby. Sorry Steven you know I love you), and generally think too much. Honestly it hurts to think and be as retarded as I am sometimes. Before I confuse you anymore and go off into oblivion I'll start over........

I finally was able to figure some of this blog stuff out! I have been trying for the past 2 months to figure out how to get friends linked on my page. Although I don't really have any friends on here I still wanted to be able to when the time arose! I have become a total blog stalker. Seriously it's an addiction. I probably have over 20 blogs I regularly check on a daily basis at work. Some of which I have linked on the side of our blog. *I must input here I work at a bank, there for most things are blocked from us at work, limiting websites I can visit. Blogspot just happens to be un-blocked at the moment. If they decide to block it from me I might have a mental break down, seriously I don't know how I would pass the time even though I was able to without it 4 months ago.* Working a 9 hour shift in the most boring job in the world gives me plenty of time to read blogs. I am a good blog reader I go allllllllll the way back to 2006 or whatever when people started their blogs and read their whole life story from that point until recent. I must admit and think what you want about me but I have fallin in love with the most beautiful amazing woman that have lost children/babies. I have learned a lot about different diagnoses I never knew about before. All these women are so amazing and have such a love for God. I really feel that God put them in my life (even though they don't have a clue I exist) to strengthen my walk with him. I am so grateful for my life, my problems seem so piddly and I have so much to thank him for on a daily biases. Which brings me to my next point. We are trying to get pregnant, actively. Would God give us more then we can handle?? Could I handle a miscarriage, still birth, losing a baby after only living with us for 50 or even 2 some odd days??!? Things I question and think about a lot especially when I visit the blogs of these amazing woman.Which brings me to my next point. One of the totally weird girls in my office comes to work yesterday (which I must insert here that even though I say she is weird I don't feel one way or another about her. She is a nice person but I don't really know a thing about her. She is part time so we only are "together" for about 4 hours a day. She sits and does her homework on her computer while listening to her iPod and NOT answering calls which makes me upset but whatever she gets away with it) and tells us that her sister who is currently living in Australia called her last night (Thursday night) to tell her she is pregnant again. The way she said it we could tell this was obliviously not a good thing. When the sister told her husband she was expecting he got VERY upset and was mad and said he didn't even want to father the 2 children they currently have. Who says that?!?! Doesn't he know what a blessing children are?!? Doesn't he know that there are loving amazing people who are trying trying trying to get pregnant and can't, and he can just easily "lay" with his wife and conviece a child?!?!?! There are women and men who have had their heart full of love for a child, dream about molding it into an awesome God loving person and try their best to show it the world the way Jesus would have lived only to have them taken from them?!?! I really have no patience for ignorant people. I almost cried at my desk I was so upset. Who says something like that??? Is he going to walk out on his wife and children only because he is un-happy with his current life and can not stand the thought of another child being brought into the house? Ugh I am sick. I know I am naive and there are a lot of people like there out in this world it just breaks my heart when I hear about them. Please pray for this family, pray God will change his heart and make this man a loving husband and father. Also pray for one of my friends who found out this past weekend she is pregnant again and it's not the best timing or situation right now for her to have another child. (in my opinion) Pray for all the women who have lost a child, this is more heartache then I can ever imagine. And lastly when God is ready would bless us with a child we could raise and bring us to be a man/woman of God. For I know the child will only be ours on earth but God's eternally. Thanks for letting me rant and rave and if anybody actually reads it for not thinking I am absolutely insane! Love to all